broomcloset ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A plan, dammit listening to: Depeche Mode track mix I got off my arse today and bought groceries! Now I'm more poor, but I do have food to put in my belly. (My belly is thanking me, or will be once I start consuming the stirfry) My fridge now looks like someone loves it, and my cupboards aren't quite as bare. It looks like someone lives here now ... that is, if the giant pile of dirty dishes in the sink didn't give it away. ______ ** pausing to listen to "Only When I Lose Myself" by Depeche Mode ** I looooove that song. It makes me melt in all sorts of delicious ways... *ahem* But I digress. I saw my doctor again today and I finally spoke my thoughts aloud: "I know my medication is not working as it should, and we are going to do something about it. Now." I told him that I'm open to trying new medications, as I've been on my current one for a year now. Unfortunately, even though it has worked in helping me recover from depression, it has never worked as well as some past medications I've tried, so I'm hoping that there's something else out there. In the grand scheme of depression medication I've tried very few, so this gives me a dull kind of hope that I will find something better. The biggest thing I admitted allowed today (to myself, and to my doctor) is that taking a leave of absence from work while we mess around with meds might be a good idea. *sigh* This is not something I wanted to consider doing, yet I am doing it now. This would not be my first leave from work. Of course, I'd hoped I would never have to take another one again, but here we are. My depression is no where near where it was earlier this year. I am not suicidal and I am not feeling hopeless, scared, guilty, etc. Okay, the guilt is there, but it's always there, so that's not out of the ordinary! I have made a great amount of progress in the past year. There are still somethings I need to work out. What are those things, you ask? Well, staying awake is issue Number One. It's hard to lead a normal life when you are struggling to remain conscious. Issue Number Two would be motivation. I am truly hoping that the resolution of this issue will follow very close behind the resolution of issue Number One. But we'll see. So I need to write out a proposed 'work plan' to submit to my manager, my HR rep, my team leader and my doctor, and have them approve the whole deal. Yep, a person suffering from chronic depression is responsible for the organization of all this stuff when one of the main symptoms is the inability to organize. Perverse?! But of course; no one said this ride would be easy. I just wish they had proper safety restraints in the little car. BB, all. Wyrdsister -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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