broomcloset ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Would this be "THE entry?" What? An actual honest-to-goodness real live diary entry? Can it be?? Why, yes it can folks! Wyrdsister is back, in some limitted capacity at least. The whole health scene is on the mend and I've got my hands firmly on the wheel in the 10-and-2 position, steering myself back on the road to wellness. :) ... now wasn't that just bordering on clich�? yick. ... There is so much to write, but I am still unsure as to what to share. Yes, this online journaling thing is mostly anonymous. The few people I've told about this diary are people who I'd trust with anything I type here - they are wonderful people from which I wouldn't hold back anything. And they most likely already know what's been going on with me. So where have I been? Well, I spent two weeks in the hospital. Why? Well... Depression. Yep, that wonderfully wierd word that everyone knows but a lot don't know what it really means or how it feels. I'm glad most don't know how it feels - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (easy to say because I don't have one ;) ), but it's too bad that more people don't actually know what clinical depression is and what it does to you. Did you know that 90% of what doctors, psychiatrists and the like know about depression they have learned only since 1990?!?! They have learned soooo much in the past 10 years that was simply lost on them before. They understand what depression does to the brain - chemically and physically even - and have a better grasp on how to treat it. Medicinally, at least. I'm not prepared to give any shrinks any credit for treating depression on the mental-emotional-spiritual triad yet. I think they need to get out of the psych ward more often to look at what life really could and should be. They're too used to dealing with pathology and seeing it wherever they look. That's got to get tiring! :) But I digress... I was in the hospital for two weeks to be treated for depression. Since depression is a mental illness I was placed in the psychiatric unit of the hospital, behind several sets of large purple doors. At least they were purple and not some hideous shade of burnt orange. And there I was for two weeks. How did I get there? Well, I actually brought myself. I've been fighting a recent bought of depression since last September ... okay, more like late August ... and it had finally gotten to the point where I knew I couldn't keep myself safe anymore. So I got a friend of mine to drive me to the hospital and I had myself admitted. While I'm not singing praises for the mental health system (or our health system in general) I was at least admitted to a place where I could be physically safe and could get some rest -- I can't tell you how long it had been since I'd slept a full night through. So once I finally started getting out of the evil cycle of sleep deprivation I could finally begin to think clearly again. That's what depression does, for me at least -- it takes away my ability to think clearly and rationally. Thing is, I realize when I'm not thinking well, but, at the same time, I'm unable to stop it. And that just makes it hurt all the more. It's not just a matter of will power, folks: depression robs you of your ability to think and function, and there is no way your brain can think its way out of that. I mean, how are you supposed to think your way out of something when your brain is the organ that is unhealthy?? I'm sure that those who have experienced clinical depression (which is different than "the blues") have a sense of what I mean. Because of that, I'm not going into too much more detail here. As for those of you dear readers who have not experienced it -- May the Goddess see fit to never have you travel down that path. May you find other ways of learning about yourself and your life. I came across a great site several months ago called Blue Circle, a site for Pagans or friends of Pagans who are suffering from depression. The lists that are posted there - the Best and the Worst things to say to people who are depressed -- are a MUST READ. Just reading those lists can give you a little insight into what depression is like. I archived that link on the first page of my web log if you ever need to reference it again. ___ Well, how's that for a first entry for awhile? Substantial enough? :) I hope so, as I have a doctor's appointment to go to. But have no fear, I shall write again soon. I have to tell you about my date... *blush* :) Blessed Be, Wyrdsister -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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