broomcloset ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My head is full of this I just read this over quickly, and you might not want to read it. I wrote it mostly for therapy for me, and I'm leaving it here for me to look back on. It's not really for anyone else. If you want to read a bunch of random, self-abusive thoughts, then go right ahead. But remember, you've been warned. ______ I'm having a hard time sleeping. I can't get the accident out of my mind. Where is the other guy now? Is he at home? Is he okay? How badly was he injured? How badly was his car damaged? I'm wondering why this happened. Was it a "wake-up and take notice" moment? Because if it was, I'm having a terrible time trying to "wake-up". I'm still in a jumbled, gel-like mess from which I can't push my way out. Is it a coping mechanism? Am I in this stunned bubble to protect me from something? I'm going to the doctor in about 10 hours, so that's good. I actually made the appointment yesterday morning right before I went out. Convenient. It's a good thing, too, because now the pain is setting in. I'm getting sore all over. Who knew there were so many areas on your body you could get pains. Why wasn't I paying better attention? This is the thought that's started cycling through my mind. How could I be so stupid? Why did I wreck my car? Why did I wreck my car now when I have no job to help pay for a new one? I'm so confused about it all. I'm worried that if I go to sleep, I'll be too stiff to move when I wake up. I'm worried that I'll be a tool and miss the bus tomorrow. I'm worried about letting down My Love with respect to money. He's been supporting me totally since I lost my job, and I go and do this. I don't get it. I believe I've mentioned I'm very confused. What is the "normal" way to react to a car crash? I think it might be easier to react if you were the one that was hit. You could feel angry, pained, saddened, frustrated and inconvenienced. But what if you're the one who caused the accident? Do you even have a right to feel any of that? How should I be feeling? And what should I be doing with those feelings? All that I'm completely sure of right now is that I'm sore. I'm sure I'll be 10 times as sore tomorrow morning after I sleep. Because I have to sleep sometime. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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