broomcloset ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holding back I'm going out tonight for a little while with my aunt, the one who had been sick for awhile. Fortunately, she's doing a lot better. It was treatment she was taking for her illness that was making her so sick, not the illness itself. Go figure. This will actually be the first time that I leave the house in four days. I've been quite the homebody. I've spent a good chunk of that time reading - I bought The Mists of Avalon last Thursday night, and I have less than 200 pages to go. (great book, btw!) Other than that, I can't say I've done much of anything. Yes, folks, you could consider this a 'funk.' I even know what started it. A few days ago my Mom commented on how I seem to procrastinate at things. This is no new fact to me. Yet when one of my parents mentions something along these lines, even if it is "Have you called so-and-so yet?" or "Have you emailed this-and-that?" something inside me cringes and seizes up. It's as if ... a small part of me is so fearful of being chastised that it curls up inside me and refuses to come out. And then I tend to leave things even longer than they should. For example, if my Mom wanted me to call someone, then I wouldn't call them for days, even weeks. If she hadn't of mentioned it, I would have done it all that much sooner. I don't understand this process, exactly. I guess that's just one of the huge number of things I need to work on in the coming months (and years...). Yesturday I started to think to myself that I'm not sure I am up to the work. Can I really pull myself up and out of this? Am I really strong enough? ... Am I worth the effort? *sigh* How is it that I let myself repeatedly be caught up in this cycle?! Is it really easier to stay here, depressed and unfulfilled, than it is to rise up out of this and throw away all this garbage that clutters my mind? And how can that really be? What prevents us from removing the barriers that we can plainly see from our lives so that we can move forward? It's one thing to be struggling against that which we cannot see, but what of when we know what holds us back? What then? Why do we allow ourselves to be pinned back?? Perhaps I will ask these things of my aunt when I see her tonight. We are doing our Saturday night cheescake ritual now that she is able to eat again. And now I will go and call My Love before I go out. I miss him. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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