broomcloset

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On exiting
2012-09-23 - 12:20

It feels like a bit of coming full circle, this. The blog that started it all and that no one reads any more, including me. This seems like a suitable place to write down what's in my head right now.

For whatever reason, I've hit a wall this past week. Everything that has happened, whether large or small, has eroded the last of my strength and I once again want out of here. I made a huge mistake of sleeping with someone on Monday, I got news that my workload maybe reducing on Tuesday, I found out I have to now to work in an office from 8am to 5pm - an office in which I work with _no_one_ there and who work from 8:30 to 4 or 4:30, I found out that some of my workload had been given to others on Thursday, and by Friday I was barely keeping it together.

So Friday night I took a bunch of Ativan and slept for almost 2 days. Though I did wake up periodically on Saturday, during which I stared deleting my attachments to social media, culminating in my deactivating of my FB acct. Fun fact? No one's noticed. Proof to me that I've made a good decision.

Which brings me to Sunday. It's mid day on a Sunday and the only thing other than Ativan that can keep me from crying uncontrolably is researching accurate and minimally painful suicide methods. This is the last action I'd ever want to fuck up, that's for sure. There's no way I can possibly rely on someone else completing the job if I've messed it up. Shotgun still ranks as the most reliable method, but I can't easily gain access to one of those, not without arousing suspicion.

And good ole CO asphyxiation is apparently not the same since new cars have to have CO emission restrictions put on them. Any one have a car from the 70's they're willing to loan me for a couple of hours? Mine's only a 2002.

As much as I tell myself that this is for the better, I know that I will be damaging people that I love. I wish, so wish there was something I could to make that better. Should I move away first, give them time to not see me then just off myself when they're not looking? I don't know how best to go about this. Maybe no one does. Maybe I should go be mauled by a bear and then folks will attribute it to a camping accident. It will be sad, but no one will put the stigma of suicide upon my loved ones.

Sure, I can go get help for this. I can put my sad excuse for a life on hold and go get "therapy" or some sad excuse for an adult daycamp for refugees from the island of broken toys. But why take up space from those who might actually benefit from it? Taking up someone's space now THAT would be a selfish and unproductive thing to do. I think I prefer to waste away on my own, thanks.

How long does starvation take to kill you They say it only takes 3 days without water. I can do three days. I can do three days.

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